“The bitter thing is that my aunt and I used to have a very good relationship.Rita was my mother’s sister. She used to raise me for the most part, becausemy own mother had too little time for that because of my parents’ company.Rita considered me as her daughter.
I got married at a young age, it was a bad marriage in which I was mentallyand physically abused. In the end I fled with my son from my ex, I was allowedto go into hiding with Rita for six months. Even though that was thirty yearsago, I will always be grateful to my aunt for that. Regardless of whathappened between us later.”
“Until June last year, Rita still lived independently in a sheltered housing.She was already 99 years old, but very spry. She could do everything herself,and even had her own teeth. But my husband and I heard from her neighbor thathe sometimes worries made for her. She spent a lot of time in bed andsometimes barely ate anything for days. Occasionally she came to stay with usfor a weekend.
Moving van full
“Last year Rita came to stay for a week in the summer, and that went fineagain. I knew she was lonely and then suggested that she could come and livewith us. She really wanted that, because she thought my husband and me were sosweet Rita canceled her rent, we moved her stuff – the whole moving van wasfull, she had that much – she got her own room with us with her furniture anda TV.
Somehow I had expected that it would sometimes be difficult, after all my aunthad lived alone for a long time and was no longer used to having people aroundher and taking others into account. But I naively thought that this would workout.”
“When Rita moved in with us, we made clear agreements, for example that shewould be at the table on time for dinner: breakfast before nine o’clock, lunchat one o’clock and dinner at seven o’clock. If you don’t come to the table,then eat you didn’t come along either, very simple. My aunt was fine withthat. And it went well, too, until the day she was officially registered withus. From that moment on she threw her ass against the crib. Often she wasn’tup until eleven o’clock ” in the morning, and then she loudly demanded herbreakfast. That’s where the fuss started, and it bothered me.”
Unkind and underhanded
“Although my aunt had her own television in her room, she thought it was morepleasant to watch in our living room. My husband likes to watch Hart vanNederland or Shownieuws, it’s nice to have the mind at zero. No problem atall, everything was good, said Rita. But then when my husband went to thekitchen to grab a drink, she commented behind his back: “Who watches somethingso retarded?” I thought that was rude and underhanded.
From then on things went from bad to worse. Every evening I almost had to begher to come to the table for dinner. “It’s my house, so I can make thatdecision myself,” she said. And no, she was definitely not demented. Veryclear, if she had a friend on the phone she could tell in detail about herdays and about current events. Rita was aware of everything. So she wasn’tconfused in the least, she just didn’t feel like ‘rules’.”
“Rita was incontinent but refused to wear diaper pants. She used pads andthrew her underpants with pads in the laundry basket. Could I get those dirtypads out. No matter how many times I asked her to do it herself, she refused.Rita thought that was my job At one point we arranged home care to help herget dressed and wash, because that was getting more and more difficult. Itwent well for a while, but then Rita criticized the carer again and was sentaway by her. I found that very frustrating .”
Washcloth for her bottom
“The mood in the house was getting worse and worse. I felt like getting intoour motorhome with my husband and not coming back. At Christmas I invited mycousin to come and stay. On Christmas Eve we all sat with each other. We gaveeach other presents and agreed to enjoy a nice Christmas breakfast together atten o’clock the next morning. That morning we called Rita to the table. “I’mcoming!” she said. Then, contrary to all agreements, she first went into thebathroom for an hour while we were waiting. The atmosphere was immediatelyspoiled.
Once when Rita had an accident with her stool, I saw her in the sink cleaningher underpants with my husband’s toothbrush. When I expressed my disgust, shesaid, “Whatever, I’ll just rinse that brush clean.” Disgusting. If I’d used awashcloth and hung it up in the bathroom to dry for the next day, Rita wouldhappily use it on her bottom. I ended up hanging my washcloths in my bedroom.”
“Still, I tried to be understanding and kind. For Rita’s 100th birthday lastsummer, I organized a party for the whole family on a boat with food anddrinks. It was quite a lot of work. But I never got a thank you for it. Infact: my aunt had thought it was a worthless day, nothing was good about it.
All those tensions in the house had an effect on me. I hovered betweendisappointment and anger. Every day I was crying, I couldn’t take it anymore.I had more and more arguments with my husband, because Rita knew how to playus off against each other perfectly. The whole situation made me very sad. Ialmost died and so did my husband.”
Uncomfortable in my own home
“In the end, after Rita’s birthday, things went downhill fast for her. Shecouldn’t get out of bed and suffered from hallucinations. She died in hersleep two months ago. It sounds incredibly silly, but her death was a reliefto me. The way she treated my husband and me was just unacceptable. She mademe feel uncomfortable in my own home. Respect has to go both ways, and Ritawas really ungrateful.”
“I don’t regret taking my aunt in because I did it with the best of intentionsand I took good care of her until the very end. But with the wisdom of today Inever would have done it. If I had everything If I had known in advance, Ireally wouldn’t have started it.
There is no understanding for this when I say this honestly to people. That’sa taboo, you have to act like it’s no problem at all to take care of anelderly relative. On commercials you only see perfect pictures of family, butthat is not the reality and I am open about that.”
A place in a home
“I should have just found a nursing home near me for my aunt, where I couldoften visit her. Because the last year and a half together went so badly, alot has broken down. My beautiful memories of her are overshadowed by thenasty incidents and that is a pity.
I’m not taking anyone in again, never again. It simply takes too much of you,you are on it twenty-four hours a day. Know what you are getting into, I wouldsay to others. If you love each other, it’s better not to do it. I also toldmy son that he really doesn’t have to take me in later. “Find me a place in ahome for me,” I said. That’s better for everyone.”
The names of Marleen and Rita are fictitious names. Their real names areknown to the editors.