Wynonna Judd learned quickly just how difficult the holiday season can beafter losing a loved one.
The country singer, 58, opened up about the challenges she recently faced asthe host of her family’s Thanksgiving dinner, and how the loss of her motherNaomi in April has forever changed the dynamic.
Judd said in a recent talk with David Kessler, grief specialist/expert andfounder of grief.com, that she started preparing the feast well in advance,woke up the morning of and reminded herself to breathe.
“Of course, that [calm] lasted for all of 38 minutes, and then I went intopanic,” she told Kessler. “Because I realized something, and that is that I’mnow the matriarch. And I think the pressure of that alone was like, ‘Oh mygosh, my mom isn’t here this year. And I made her favorite foods, and I did itreally well.'”
The “Love Can Build a Bridge” singer said she “numbed out” around the time thesun went down, but felt “relief” once her guests began to arrive. Still, shesaid that pressure “to sort of be all things to all people” began to eat ather, and she had to take a breather in the bathroom.
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Jeff Kravitz/Getty Wynonna Judd and Naomi Judd
“I said, ‘OK, you’re gonna have to stop this because this is your holiday aswell,'” she said. “I think we forget that it’s our experience as well as beingthe hostess with the mostess.”
Judd, who recently added a number of dates to her The Judds: The Final Tourshow, went on to reveal that her Thanksgiving dinner was actually held on an”alternative day” — and that the holiday itself “sucked.”
“I cried, and I cried, and I gave myself permission to do that,” she said.”Because everybody was like, ‘I hope your Thanksgiving was a blessed one.’… Sofor me, I did Thanksgiving on an alternative day, and that felt good to mebecause it allowed me to look at it more as a day instead of…a nationalholiday.”
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Judd told Kessler that on actual Thanksgiving, she stayed cozied up in herpajamas and was “down for the count,” and later found herself reminiscing bylooking through old scrapbooks as her frustration grew with her loss.
Wynonna Judd Rollout
Jim Wright Wynonna Judd
“My mom was so hell-bent on us wearing sweaters and matching everything. Weall got our own salt and pepper shakers!” she said. “So my daughter-in-lawwent out and bought shakers for each person at the table… and we sort of didthe whole, Naomi Judd, this is what she does. The rest of it was my doing, butwe also wanted to remain traditional enough to say, ‘We’re passing itforward.'”
The Country Music Hall of Famer later said that with the holiday season justbeginning, she’s still learning how to navigate being honest with her familyabout where she is in her grief journey. Judd said that, for example, she wasrecently invited to Naomi’s widower Larry Strickland’s Christmas party, butfelt “selfish” about not wanting to go because she finds it “too painful.”
“It’s easier to [be transparent] with my fans than it is my family,” she toldKessler.
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Since losing Naomi, 76, to suicide, Judd and her sister Ashley have spoken atlength about the ways in which they’re coping. In September, Judd opened upabout her grief in a PEOPLE cover story.
“I’ll tell you what I know about death. In death, there is life. I feel bothat the same time simultaneously,” she said at the time. “I feel joy andsorrow. I’m walking in paradox. I’m literally a walking contradiction. I feeljoy. I feel pain. I feel light. I feel dark.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the 988Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988, text “STRENGTH” to the Crisis TextLine at 741741 or go to 988lifeline.org .